Sanity
by Goldenthorns
Summary: I wasn't supposed to survive. But I did? Everyone says its a miracle I fell into trees. I don't at all. I made a simple mistake and I sure as hell was paying for it.
1. Chapter 1

**_Hello guys this is the sequel to insanity! I first I wanna say who won the little contest of how Ponyboy survived da fall. It was... _**

**_Emma74!_**

**_She PMed with with da correct answer and has won the story off her choice. Tell me if you want me to do more contest and if you have any ideas for the prizes. But here is a new contest that will earn you a shout out and review all of you outsiders fanfiction (unless you are too awesome and I have already done so.) Here is the contest... When is Sodapop's birthday? And yes I know it's not in the book._****_ Review or pm me the answer. _**

**_Also I want to thank Bloodyblackrosepetals for helping me figure out how to make ponyboy survive. Without her I would not made any sense. SO THANKS GUUUURL._**

**_Now enough with me long rant! _**

**_Enjoy and review to give me ideas and how to get better! _**

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_" It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?"   
_

-_ Emilie Autumn  
_

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The clock's annoying tick would of drove me crazy, that was if I wasn't already crazy. Soda, who sat next to me, was staring at the clock. Never of us had talked since he came to see me at the hospital. I enjoyed the silence. When the nurse told me my brother was coming I was worried it would be like playing twenty questions. But he didn't say a word, I don't know if I should be worried or not. The only noise was the ticking of the clock and beeping of the weird machines hooked up to me. I didn't regret jumping. I didn't understand why I did it but I didn't regret it. I think part of it was meeting someone like Dr. Marly again scared me. I messed up though. The-

" Fucking trees... Who knew that there would be a reason not to tear them down..." Soda muttered in a tone that wasn't like him. It sounded like Dallas. If it wasn't for me falling into trees I wouldn't of lived. The thought that I could of died was affecting him in a way I wouldn't ever think was possible. To be honest, It scared me. I tried to focus on other things rather than Sodapop. Not even the setting sun outside cattention my attention. Maybe it was the fact I wasn't gold anymore. I failed Johnny. It wasn't till I felt someone wipe my face I realized I was crying.

" Hey Ponyboy." Sodapop was staring at me and I wish he would stop. I wanted the real Sodapop. Not the one I broke trying to kill myself.

" What?" I cautiously asked. I wasn't sure what to expect from him. I pushed away his lingering hand.

" Why are you crying?" Sodapop asked. I had to look away. I didn't respond to him. My lips only trembled. It felt like I forgot how to speak. I heard Sodapop make a weird noise, like a dying animal.I looked back up and Sodapop didn't look cold like Dallas anymore, he looked hurt and scared like Johnny. I hated myself for making him this way. I always heard people saying he loved me too much. I always believed them. If I ever got sick or beat up Sodapop would worry so much he would forget simple things like eating.

" Or just tell me why you tried to kill y-yourself" Soda asked me finally. I knew that question was coming even before he said it.

" I was scared I guess..."

" Scared? I guess I can understand that what of?"

" People... And being marked insane again."

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**YAY FIRST CHAPTER TELL WAT U GUYS THINK!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for not updating guys... I have been a little less than sane I guess because of school... *laughs at joke I just made***

**Also. I would like to remind you guys that Ponyboy is thinking darkly. He thinks people hate him. So he may not know the truth! **

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_Awareness is the enemy of sanity, for once you hear the screaming, it never stops."  
― Emilie Autumn_

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"You can never live a normal life now!" Darry yelled at me when the doctor left. The doctor told my brothers I will never be able to walk again. I didn't really care.

"Normal? Why would I want to be normal?" I laughed. Sodapop and Darry didn't seem to find it funny. Darry was glaring at me.

"Do you just not care that you crippled yourself? You could of made it to college through athletics!"

"You really think I was going to college? I missed enough school being locked up in a mental hospital."

"You could of caught up and just graduated late! There is no excuse to what you have done to yourself Ponyboy."

"Never said there was one Darry." I smiled, "I only want to die. I didn't want to say it because you will never understand why!"

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I didn't see Darry for a while after our conversation. Only Sodapop came to see me. I saw Two-bit once, but the doctors gave me medicine that knocked me out. The doctors told me that I was going to get to go home soon. I acted as if I was happy about this. It was only an act though. Why should I be happy about that? I was only going to get sent to a new mental hospital. I wouldn't be surprised if the social workers took me away from Darry. However, I asked Sodapop this one day. He told me that wouldn't happen because the doctors told the social workers it was best if I stayed with my brothers from now. I once again acted happy. I honestly could care less were I would go after I get out of the hospital. I would end up in the same place in the end; locked up in a mental hospital or dead. I was hoping for the latter. Nobody can save me. I really wish they would stop. They all will most likely give up on me.

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"Are you ready to go Ponyboy?" Darry grunted. Today was the day I went home. Darry didn't seem very happy he had to leave work early to bring me home. Why should he be? I bet he already lost all hope he had in me. I wish he would stop pretending he cared and send me to a boys home already.

"Yea..." I sighed. The nurses helped me get into the wheelchair I probably will have to be in for the rest of my life.

"Oh I am going to miss you!" A nurse said as she pinched my cheeks. I wanted to tell her to stop but she seemed like a nice lady. That didn't mean I completely trusted her.

"Why?" I asked in a polite tone that my dad me to talk to ladies in. My dad wanted his sons to be gentlemen.

"Because your too darn cute! Get better at home for me alright?"

"I'll try." I lied.

"Good!" She smiled and began pushing the wheelchair. Darry followed behind us but Sodapop was standing next to the nurse and I. He and the nurse got along pretty well. She reminded me of a mother; she was old enough to be one too. At 37, she told me she was a single mother with a little boy. I guess I could say that I might miss her.

"Make sure he gets plenty of rest Darrel!" The nurse said when we neared Darry's truck, "He is in no shape to be trying to do things on his own yet!"

"I know Sandra." Was that her name? Darry just called her that so it must be...

"Hey! I told you not to call me that! It sounds too grown up! Call me Sam!"

"Alright _Sam_!" Darry actually smiled and opened the truck door for me. He helped me get in with the help of Sam. She thought he was going to drop me so she refused to let him do it himself.

"You boys have the doctors notes right?" Sam asked.

"Yes Sam!" Sodapop laughed, "You don't have to worry!"

"How can I not worry? You three always seem to be getting into trouble!"

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**OKAY! AGAIN I AM SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING! And Darry fans remember that Darry is not actually this mean. This is just seen through Ponyboy's eyes alright? **

**REVIEW FOR A QUICK UPDATE!**


	3. Chapter 3

**WOAH I AM UPDATING! SO VERY PROUD OF MYSELF. IF THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT IT IS BECAUSE I AM USING MY DAD'S LAPTOP! SO EVERYTIME I HEAR HIM I GO INTO PANIC MODE AND EXIT OUT OF EVERYTHING. NOT SURE MY DAD WOULD BE TOO PROUD OF ME FOR WRITTING FANFICTION LIKE THIS. HE ALREADY CALLED ME MENTAL FOR WANTING TO CELEBRATE PONYBOY'S BIRTHDAY...**

**ANYWAY ENJOY! BY THE WAY I MADE STEVE A LITTLE MEAN IN THIS CHAPTER, SORRY STEVE LOVERS.**

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_If you're going to die, then die. If you're going to live, then fight._

_ -Emilie Autumn_

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Nobody ever leaves me alone. As soon as one person leaves me alone, someone else starts watching me. I have noticed anything that was sharp was moved to high for me to reach. The only thing my brothers let me eat with is a spoon, and that's only under their supervision. I am starting to slightly regret jumping off that building, all these new rules make me feel like a little kid. It also feels odd to not be to walk or do anything I was able to do before. The gang seems way taller now; not that I ever was taller than any of them. The gang didn't say anything directly to me about anything that happened. I heard them talking to Sodapop one day about it when I was supposed to be sleeping. That was the only time I got left alone. They probably thought it was safe since they put my wheelchair far out of my reach. Considering my plans, that might not last for long. Luckily for them, I hadn't exactly thought up any plans yet.

"Sodapop, why don't you just give up in the kid?" I heard Steve loudly say.

"Because he is my brother. Keep your voice down or you will wake up Ponyboy!" Sodapop said in a somewhat quieter tone than Steve. I think I heard him because he was closer to the door than Steve.

"You really think I care? Sodapop he is just going to die one day. You really think he will be happy not being able to walk?"

"Just because he can't walk doesn't mean he can't be happy. He just is thinking right... That's all that is wrong with him!"

"Sodapop you can't keep lying to yourself. The brat isn't going to a magically start thinking like a normal person!"

"Don't you fucking call him a brat Steve!" Sodapop screeched so loud that if I was sleeping, I would of most likely woken up.

"What do you want me to call him? A victim of his envoirment? That kid has had a better life than both of us combined!"

"We didn't watch our best friend die in person like he did! Then he had to see someone commit suicide over it! Did you know he blames himself for the death of Johnny and Dally?"

"Maybe it was his fault! The kid needs to grow up anyway." Steve yelled, getting even louder than Sodapop. Why can't he just shut up? I already knew it was my fault, but hearing it someone saying it was even worse. Shoving my pillow in my face, a quiet scream escaped my body. The pillow then flew out of my head and hit the door.

"It was not his fault- did you hear that?"

"What? Probably just the kid having a nightmare or something."

"If he was, that's not good!" I heard Sodapop's loud footsteps get closer to the door. Thinking quickly, I rolled on the floor. The impact with the floor hurt like hell but that didn't matter right now. I was just going to pretend I fell out of bed, throwing the pillow at the door to get attention. The pain made me cry, making my story even more believable. Sodapop came running in, freaking out when he saw me on the floor.

"Oh my god Ponyboy! Are you okay?" Sodapop asked and I did my best not to smile. That was a dumb question. It won't ever be possible for me to be okay again.

"Yeah... Just help me back into bed..."Sodapop quickly did as I said.

"How did you end up on the floor?" I could tell he was worried I did this to hurt myself. For once, that wasn't true.

"I just woke up like that." I weakly smiled," I probably just had a bad dream. Nothing to worry about!"

"If you did have a bad dream..."Sodapop sat on the edge of the bed," Tell me about it. It might make you feel better!"

"I would if I knew what it was about." At least that wasn't a lie. It was hard for me to lie to Sodapop for some reason. I can fool anyone from cops to the gang, yet it was hard for me to trick Sodapop. Something about him made me feel bad when I did lie to him.

"Alright then..." His voice sounded like he was trying to calm a wounded animal," Are you hungry? I was thinking of making up some for myself so it wouldn't be a problem to make you something too!"

"I don't want anything Sodapop. I don't really feel hungry. The only thing I want to do right now is fall back asleep."

"Then why don't I join you?" Sodapop crawled in next to me.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"That can wait... Just sleep!" Sodapop whispered as he carefully held me in he is arms. It was oddly comforting; and I fell into the deepest sleep I have gotten in a while.

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**I ACTUALLY LEFT IT OFF ON A HAPPY ENDING FOR ONCE. REVIEW AND I WILL UPDATE QUICKLY.**


	4. Chapter 4

**HEY GUYS! I have been so lazy. I had the time to update yesterday but then I started reading romantic adventure time fanficton. GUYS FOR ONCE IT WAS A STRAIGHT PAIRING. Fiona and Marshall Lee is my only freaking straight pairing. Should I be sad or proud? Also! My friend wanted the name of one of her favorite band members for the name of the new doctors helping Ponyboy. So if you recognize the name I know he is from Black Veil Brides. I will loosely base the appearance off of the real person, but there will be some differences. The personality won't be because I don't know anything about him other than what he looks like. ALSO I PUT A QUOTE THAT ASHLEY ACTUALLY SAID. SO DON'T YELL AT ME FOR THE FOLLOWING: "Being unique is what's cool man. Being normal? What's that? That's a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that." **

**I TAKE NO CREDIT FOR THAT.**

**GOT IT? **

**ENJOY!**

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_"I myself am not afraid of ghosts; I am afraid of people."  
― Emilie Autumn_

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Nightmares infested my dreams. Not a single night went by without one of these terrible dreams. Sodapop didn't know about them, not a scream escaped my mouth during the night. It took all of my self control not to laugh when I overheard Soda tell Darry he thought I was getting better. Perhaps they would give me some freedom in the future. The loud reaction I heard from Darry crushed my hopes of this. Darry had already scheduled an appointment with Dr. Purdy, someone our social worker suggested. If I refused to go, Darry threatened putting me into another mental hospital. At least Sodapop tried to make me feel better about it. To bad I wasn't really listening to him. Somehow the ground seemed more interesting.

"-So there is really no reason to worry! You think you will remember all of that?" Sodapop's words finally broke threw my train of thought. I hadn't really heard a word he said, I was remembering how Two-bit burned a hole in the carpet with his cigarette.

"Yep." I smiled," I'll remember every single word of it."

"Good! Now you should get to bed. Tomorrow you have to get up early to go see Dr. Purdy!"

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Darry brought me to the appointment early. I felt slightly claustrophobic in the small waiting room. Luckily, the book I brought saved me from having to talk with Darry.

"You definitely aren't a observant fellow." When I looked up, A man was crouched in front of me. He was wearing a coat that belonged to a doctor with very colorful, and not even close to matching, shirt underneath it. I remained quiet, unsure of what to say to this randomly appearing man. He grinned a stuck out his hand for me to shake," Your Ponyboy right? I am the fabulous Dr. Purdy!"

"Hello..." I replied, shaking his large hand.

"Well put that book down, it is time to go on the magical adventure to my office!" Dr. Purdy cheered and began leading me to his room. It was just as colorful as his shirt and personality, and as odd. There was no real theme. Not a single seat was close to the next. He sat down into his desk which had food wrappers and trash scattered, I couldn't actually see the top of the desk. I was taken back when he just shoved every thing off.

"Sorry for the mess, I just had lunch." He continued talking when I didn't reply," So I hate introductions, so we are just going to skip that. I already read your file and you know me name. Is that enough for you?"

"Uh... I guess?"

"Great! Now before I start to ask some questions and have you vent anything I'd like to remind you that I can not tell anybody anything you say in here. So feel free to say anything. Got it?"

"I guess..."

"Alright! Now first question! Do you only know the words Hello, Uh, I, and guess?"

"What?"

"Ah! I take it that you do more then. Do you know anymore words?"

"I am pretty sure I know a lot of words."

"Then don't restrict yourself to saying the same words over and over. You said 'I guess' twice."

"Sorry..."

"Don't be sorry! I am just really weird about these things. Are you ready for your actual first question?"

"Yeah."

"Wonderful! So... Why are you alive?"

"I don't know." That wasn't what I thought It would be. I thought he would just ask how I was feeling or why are you so depressed.

"Maybe It is the fact that you don't actually want to die. I have a theory. When someone is suicidal but they can't seem to die, a small part of them is still sane and wants to live. Humans naturally want the easy way out of things. So the human in you tries to take the easy way out, which in this case is death."

"How would you know this is true for me?" I said as I rolled my eyes," If I just started being normal-"

_"_Being unique is what's cool man. Being normal? What's that? That's a setting on a washing machine. Nobody wants to be that"

"-Well if I just started being happy instead of depressed all the time would be easier than trying to kill myself."

"Trust me it is not. I am just going to be honest from my personal experience. One day you will find a perfect time to kill yourself. If you don't believe me then try to be happy. Try to be positive. Think no thoughts of sorrow. If you can do that for a week report back to me and prove my theory wrong."

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**ALRIGHT! PLEASE REVIEW. If you have any ideas or suggestions please tell me and try to fit it in if I can. **

**THANKS FOR READING!**


	5. Chapter 5

***laughs nervously* Hey guys... I haven't updated in... Forever... October 12th to be exact. I am not fully dead yet I promise! So I hate to say this but... This is the last chapter. It will have a sad ending so stop reading here if you want a happy ending. **

**ALSO THANK YOU TO MY NEW FRIEND, MARISSA FOR GIVING ME IDEAS! Without her I might of never updated...**

_Just be happy._

That's easy.

_Look at the knife Soda left out on accident._

I'm don't need that, I'm happy.

_What if he left it out for you to-_

Shut up!

_-kill yourself. He wants you gone! Can't you see?_

You're lying.

_No... You're lying to yourself._

Shut up!

_You can't silence me. I refuse to be silent._

Leave me alone!

_What will you do? You can't get rid of me!_

I can just ignore you.

_Ignore me? Give me the silent treatment? What are you, five?_

I can't hear you.

_Then why did you respond to me?_

Because I... Just leave me alone!

_Only if you take the knife... It will make you feel better I promise!_

Okay. I got it.

_Hide it under your shirt and go to your room. Then lock the door._

Didn't Darry removed the locks?

_Your right... Just make sure the door is closed._

...

I don't know why I listened to whoever was in my head. Silently, I wheeled myself past Sodapop, who had fallen asleep on the couch, to my room. I tossed the knife I had tucked underneath my shirt onto the bed and studied it. Everything seemed to fall in place for me to die tonight. Could I really do it? My shaky hands picked the knife back up.

_Come on, Ponyboy! Just get it over with!_

My hand was shaking terribly at my first attempt to stab myself. I stopped right when I felt the tip of the blade touch my stomach.

_Stop being so fucking weak and get it over with!_

With a sudden surge of courage I took the blade and stabbed in it into my stomach, letting at a loud cry at the pain.

_Good job Ponyboy... It will all be over soon..._

**The end? That's for you guys to decide! If you guys want, I'll let Pony live and continue... When I finish my other stories... I have far too many! Goodbye and review please!**


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